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Unreliable Source
(by Wayne & Tamara - April 16, 2008)
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Unreliable Source
I’ve been married 25 years and have three children over 18. When we first got married, we were in a group of five couples. My husband had been friends with the husbands and one of the wives since college. This one wife was needy and always looking for attention.
Apparently, before I was married my husband had a few sexual encounters with this woman. Some of the wives got fed up with her constant flirtatiousness and pulled out of the group. When I tried to pull out, she supposedly told my husband if we did, she would tell me they were having an affair.
That was 13 years ago. Since then I’ve found sexual cards and text messages to and from my husband. He says it's a way to appease her because she is unhappy in her marriage. More recently he met her at a club so he could stop her text messages and frequent phone calls.
He did not tell me of this meeting. I found out because I snooped. He says he was afraid to tell me because she would make stuff up. I filed for divorce. After that he had a hidden phone, which he says she sent him, and he would text her after I went to bed.
Most recently, he took out an order of protection against her because she was leaving so many messages on his work phone and a lot of those messages threatened me. At the court hearing three weeks later, however, he vacated the order. I only found out because I found the paperwork.
I'm having a hard time going through with a divorce because of my children. My son hasn't spoken to me much since and is rarely home anymore. My other kids have made themselves scarce as well. They seem to be taking his side, because I'm the one who filed.
We’ve seen counselors before and were seeing a family therapist when he vacated the order without mentioning it to me. I still have feelings for my husband and am sad for the loss of the future. Can trust be restored? Should I try and fix this or get out?
Tyra
Tyra, in one respected study of adultery, a third of the marriages ended in divorce. Of the marriages which were “saved,” the marriage improved in only one in seven cases. If the affair was long-term, like your husband’s, improvement in the marriage was noted in only one case in 12. All of these marriages involved marriage counseling to cope with the adultery.
Your husband could have solved this 13 years ago by saying he wanted nothing to do with this woman. He didn’t. His actions have made a snoop of you, and in the words of this study, he caused you to suffer significant damage to your self-image and personal confidence.
His stories simply don’t make sense. If the other woman threatened you, the person who needed an order of protection is you, not him. If he had recorded evidence of threats, that evidence should have become a police matter.
Your children are making themselves scarce, and that is probably a combination of two things: they are waiting for things to simmer down and they are used to accepting the word of a skilled liar, their father.
You are also accustomed to taking the word of this unreliable witness. Most likely he has two women whose self-esteem and reason he has distorted. It is fair to assume he told her he would come to her after the children were grown, and it is fair to assume he views counseling as simply the price he has to pay to keep you and his assets.
We encourage you to do two things. Take threats to your safety seriously, no matter what quarter they come from. And consider which course of action is wisest when the odds are stacked 11-1 against you.
Wayne & Tamara
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