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Identity Crisis
(by Wayne & Tamara - March 11, 2008)
Identity Crisis
I am 23. My husband “John” and I have been together nearly four years. We always had problems, but we always managed to let things go and move on. Two years into our marriage he cheated on me with a friend of mine. I got tired of it and left.
We got back together to try to work things out. We weren’t sleeping together at first because I didn’t want sex to be the basis of our reconciliation. During the first week back I learned John was still seeing my ex-friend. I retaliated by cheating on him with one of his friends and got pregnant.
Now, 22 months later, I have a beautiful 1-year-old baby boy who looks more and more like John’s friend. My husband and I have green eyes, my son has blue. We are short, my son is tall. We have dark brown hair, my son is blonde. Most people tell John my son looks nothing like him, and jokingly call him “the milkman’s baby.” Yet John has never put the pieces together.
John’s friend is still around through e-mail and MySpace, but I keep my son’s pictures private so no one will see the resemblance. I’ve always had strong feelings for John’s friend. I know he entertains the idea of it being his child, but we have never talked openly about it.
To top it all off, we are living overseas, so I am afraid if I tell John, he will want a divorce and I will be stuck in a foreign country with no way to get home. If I wait another two years, we will be home. And yet, I know he has a right to know, and the longer I wait, the harder it will be on all of us.
Cathy
Cathy, nothing good comes from taking a second bite at a wormy apple. In seriously troubled marriages this sort of thing happens all the time, and that’s why divorce is an option. People selling relationship cures talk about saving the marriage, without cautioning you about what may happen if you stay together.
What’s done is done. What you feel is more fear than guilt. Guilt requires making things right and accepting the consequences. When a person is caught doing what they shouldn’t, they often try to sell their feelings as guilt or remorse, but the main emotion is fear of repercussions.
You hope to stay one step ahead of the first serious accusation, but at any moment the light bulb in your husband’s head may turn on. At any moment your son’s biological father—or his mother—might see your son’s picture. The moment of reckoning could be as close as the telephone.
Neither you, nor your husband, nor your baby’s father is in an ethically superior position. But someone is. Your son. His very identity is at stake. He is at a critical age in his development, and he may be bonding to a man who will not remain in his life.
Your in-laws are talking to friends about John’s son, and John doesn’t have a son. Your son’s medical history is likewise incorrect, and you’ve created legal documents which are contrary to fact. Your son is an innocent life. Put his interests first.
If you don’t know your husband well enough to know he could be unfaithful, you don’t know him well enough to predict his reaction. He may accept things now, but when matters are tainted, they keep getting redecided. Five years from now this could be the reason he abandons you for another woman.
There are many reasons we always insist on honestly, but the simplest one is this: most of us aren’t smart enough to get away with lies. Especially big lies. Dishonesty is like compound interest; its effects multiply over time. Seek legal advice about paternity issues, then in a controlled, safe way tell John.
Wayne & Tamara
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